Coming Out Gay Or Lesbian to Your Parents

There are several points to consider when coming out to parents. For one thing it is important to understand why parents react negatively. When you understand why they are upset, you can help them move toward acceptance. Many times parents are simply trying to protect you. They are often misinformed about what being gay means and they are nearly always influenced by stereotypes. Parents may feel you will ruin your life once people discover you are gay. The best thing you can do in this case is to reassure them that you are confident in your sexuality and that you are secure in your job and friends.

My personal experience with my parents was dominated by their fear of what would happen to me if I "turned lesbian." My mother actually told me I would "end up homeless on a street corner!" It took me a while to convince them that I would be OK, that I would not be homeless, that I would not lose my job and that I would indeed be a happier and healthier person if I lived my life as I was meant to.

Parents might be upset because of religious reasons. This is a more difficult issue to deal with. The bottom line is the same, however. Again, your parents are trying to protect you--in this instance your salvation. Parents with strong religious views may never truly come to terms with your sexual orientation, but will often take a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude. Sometimes the best you can hope for in this case is their quiet tolerance of your lifestyle.

It may be helpful to introduce parents who hold strong religious views to websites that express a variety of viewpoints regarding homosexuality in the Bible. Examples online are the Religious Tolerance and Opposing Views websites. There are many new interpretations and translations of the Bible that place gays in a much more favorable light than was previously thought.

Some parents feel they will experience loss because you are gay or lesbian. They may think they have "lost a son or daughter" and that you will somehow change as a result of your sexual orientation. Of course the reality is you have always been homosexual, they have just found out about it! Remind them of this. Parents may also feel loss if you do not already have kids and they are afraid they will never become grandparents. Again, many gays and lesbians are having families these days, so that is another unfounded fear.

Parents may feel betrayed by your announcement. They may have a sense that you have been presenting yourself as straight all your life and now you are switching up. Of course, the reality is that they have raised you as straight and it has taken a great deal of effort on your part to sort out your true sexual orientation and then come to terms with it yourself. All that has taken time, sometimes decades. Do not allow yourself to feel guilt if your parent accuse you of betrayal. Remember, it was they who started it.

Some parents negative reaction might be more driven by embarrassment they expect when their friends or extended family find out you are homosexual. If your parents have a lifelong habit of bragging about you and your accomplishments as an extension of their own egos, the news of your sexual orientation may come as an unwelcome bit of news. Shame on them! Hold your head up high and explain to your parents they are in very good company. After all, many famous and powerful people have gay or lesbian kids: Cher, Barbara Streisand, Dick Cheney, Vincent Price and Michael Landon to name just a few.

It is also important to know that every parent reacts differently and most parents do not reject their gay children over the long term. Remember that you have had a long time, possibly years to come to terms with your sexual orientation. Don't expect them to hear the news and open their arms to you immediately. While this does happen in some lucky cases, most parents need some time to process the news of your sexual orientation.

In fact, parents may go through a process similar to the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Try to recognize these stages and allow your parents time to work through them. It is best if you wait to come out until you are secure enough in your sexuality to support them through the process. Another helpful tactic is to come out first to a sibling that you expect will be supportive and ask your sibling to act as an ally with you during the process. There is definitely strength in numbers!

When you make the decision to come out to your parents, you are taking an important step in coming out. For the first time, your parents will know you for who you really are. You will no longer have to fear them finding out from someone else. You will no longer have to hide your lover from them or lie about the nature of your relationship. Coming out to your parents is an honest and courageous thing to do.

This article was written by Pat Cheney, MBA, a life coach specializing in coming out in adulthood and mixed orientation marriage issues. Her approach is balanced and sensitive to the difficulties of midlife transitions. Pat's coaching practice is located on the web at http://www.discoveringpride.com Additional articles on this topic are available at her blog, http://discoveringprideblog.wordpress.com